Another hat

There is another hat that I briefly touched on yesterday, but did not explain much. I am a student. Well, yes of course, a student of life…yes we are always learning…blah blah blah. Besides that, I am in college. I know what most of you are thinking…”oh, going for the graduate degree? Wonder if she is working on her dissertation…how interesting she must be!” Well, yes, of course I am very interesting, and quite intelligent. But no, I am STILL working on my undergrad. It still surprises me when I write that sentence. I hate that I had to write that sentence. I hate that I hate that I wrote that sentence. I am a woman in my early thirties…ok, well quickly approaching my mid-thirties and I wish I had done this years ago. On the other hand, everything happens for a reason. I was a different person when I graduated from high school. I wasn’t serious about school. I was all about being an adult. I am majoring in women’s studies now. I have a very clear path of what I want to study and what I want to do. I am so happy and content with my choices in school. I still get embarrassed at times to admit that I still have so much to do, but I really have an amazing support system. My husband and friends are all rallying behind me. Then there is the guilt.

Guilt? What guilt you might ask? Well c’mon. First of all I’m a Jew. Nuff said. The guilt of leaving my family to go to class or study at the library. It was much worse a year ago. But it is still there. Yesterday Steve got home early from work. Around 3:00. I left for the library at 4:00 and stayed until close, 9:00. I am working on a paper on the artist Tori Amos and spent the entire time at the library dissecting her album Little Earthquakes.

I miss my family terribly when I leave. But, I know I must to this. I must continue. I must finish. I know in the end it will all be worth it. But, because of the guilt I have as a mother for leaving my babies, when I am home, I feel I need to work twice as hard at home to make up not being home. I know this is the eternal struggle that working moms face and I really get it. As a SAHM, I have always been fortunate to not know that feeling. But now, I understand trying to find that balance. What was I supposed to say to A the other night when I was kissing him goodbye to go to the library and he is whining “Please don’t go Mommy.” I picked him up, told him I needed to make my brain bigger and kissed him goodbye. And I did not look back. Unsure of what I am doing, but continuing to put one foot in front of the other.

So, am I crazy or is this just normal mommysanity?