When the kids got home from school on Wednesday, they decided to have hot chocolate for “snack”. I thought this sounded like a pretty tasty idea, so I joined them (with a bit of butterscotch schnappes added to mine. DON’T JUDGE ME! It was 4:20 & Theta Mom said she was having a drink b/c “It is 5:00 somewhere”). OK, anyway…when I took my cup out of the microwave, M (remember, she is 10 & knows everything) asks me “Mommy, how long did you put your water in for?” “2 minutes” I replied. “Wow! Doesn’t it hurt your skin? I mean, doesn’t it burn your skin being that hot?” “Hmmm, not really. I mean it’s not that hot to my fingers.” “It would be for mine! But my skin is fairly new. Your skin is old.” GRRRRRR did she just say that? As the sentence “I was in labor for 34.5 hours with you child, get into your room!” formed in my mind, she then said something else.

“I love it when you get to the end of your drink and can see your reflection while drinking.”

<sigh> this is where my heart melted. Just that little bit of innocence. She has gotten so big, so fast. The years have slipped away before my eyes. I am getting close to treading in unfamiliar hormonal territory with her, but she still show’s that she is a child. Just a simple, innocent statement. A bit of discovery in the world. The rush of emotion that swept over me was the same as when she slipped her hand into mine when she was 1. Something so simple as a little observation, something that has happened to me a million times, but this time, when I reached the bottom of my cup, I was able to stop and appreciate the little bit of innocence that my daughter reminded me was in the world.

Wordless Wednesday

Children of the Corn

(terrified, aren’t you?)

There is another hat that I briefly touched on yesterday, but did not explain much. I am a student. Well, yes of course, a student of life…yes we are always learning…blah blah blah. Besides that, I am in college. I know what most of you are thinking…”oh, going for the graduate degree? Wonder if she is working on her dissertation…how interesting she must be!” Well, yes, of course I am very interesting, and quite intelligent. But no, I am STILL working on my undergrad. It still surprises me when I write that sentence. I hate that I had to write that sentence. I hate that I hate that I wrote that sentence. I am a woman in my early thirties…ok, well quickly approaching my mid-thirties and I wish I had done this years ago. On the other hand, everything happens for a reason. I was a different person when I graduated from high school. I wasn’t serious about school. I was all about being an adult. I am majoring in women’s studies now. I have a very clear path of what I want to study and what I want to do. I am so happy and content with my choices in school. I still get embarrassed at times to admit that I still have so much to do, but I really have an amazing support system. My husband and friends are all rallying behind me. Then there is the guilt.

Guilt? What guilt you might ask? Well c’mon. First of all I’m a Jew. Nuff said. The guilt of leaving my family to go to class or study at the library. It was much worse a year ago. But it is still there. Yesterday Steve got home early from work. Around 3:00. I left for the library at 4:00 and stayed until close, 9:00. I am working on a paper on the artist Tori Amos and spent the entire time at the library dissecting her album Little Earthquakes.

I miss my family terribly when I leave. But, I know I must to this. I must continue. I must finish. I know in the end it will all be worth it. But, because of the guilt I have as a mother for leaving my babies, when I am home, I feel I need to work twice as hard at home to make up not being home. I know this is the eternal struggle that working moms face and I really get it. As a SAHM, I have always been fortunate to not know that feeling. But now, I understand trying to find that balance. What was I supposed to say to A the other night when I was kissing him goodbye to go to the library and he is whining “Please don’t go Mommy.” I picked him up, told him I needed to make my brain bigger and kissed him goodbye. And I did not look back. Unsure of what I am doing, but continuing to put one foot in front of the other.

So, am I crazy or is this just normal mommysanity?

Hello world! Word Press gave this first title, along with some schmultzie “this is your first blog” sentence. I deleted that part, but thought the title was appropriate. My first blog! How exciting is this! So much to say…this is the 21st century. Why should I keep it to myself? Besides, diaries are so 80’s.  Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

I am a woman. First and foremost, that is what I am. Before I give you any other titles that I bear, that is one of the most important ones. Anything I do in my life, I am still a woman. And I rock it! Not in a “I’m 5’9, 90lbs and dress like a hussy” but in a “There are so many things that I have done and so many more I WILL do and have been told by many that b/c I am a woman, I can’t do it” WHATEV!

Next two titles are the same in importance. Wife and Mother. I am the perfect wife to Steve. I am the ying to his yang. I am mother to 3 amazing children. Morgan who is 10, Andrew who is 7 and sweet little Ethan, who is 2. I am an amazing mother. I am a perfect mother. I always have my house spic and span clean. My families laundry cleaned and pressed with care. I attend all school events, volunteer in each child’s classroom, have time to play and give one on one time to each child. Fresh cookies right out of the oven always greet my children when they arrive home from school. A home cooked meal is on the table every night for my darling family. I am an amazing mother. I am a perfect mother. I am the Donna Reed woman I was meant to be. I am…a compulsive liar.  Yeah, non of that is true. And if any woman tries to tell you that is her story, well she is a liar too.

In reality, I am a crazed woman. I have many hats. Woman, wife, mother, student, volunteer. I have learned that I have to wear a few at a time. I juggle the best I can. I am an All American Woman trying the best I can. But, while I document the frazzled, hectic and craziness that is my life, I am doing it all with a smile…most of the time.

Welcome to my world…buckle up baby!